How to Use the Right Tone of Voice

Are you aware of how sensitive your partner is to the tone of your voice?

Your choice of words is important, but it’s keeping your tone calm, even when you’re upset that will allow your partner to actually hear what you’re saying. It’s all about your approach.

For what it’s worth, some researchers have found evidence that men are often more sensitive to tones than women are.

Having a kind and respectful tone is necessary if you’d like your partner to be on the same page as you, so to speak. Not because it’s the right thing to do and certainly not because they deserve it (they might not), but because it’s effective.

When you speak to your partner in a way that is appreciative, trusting and respectful they’ll be a lot more inspired to meet your needs.

Those dreaded tones however, often have a mind of their own and a way of undermining what otherwise might’ve been a successful conversation. You may even recall a time when this has happened to you in the past?

You didn’t mean to sound blaming, resentful or frustrated. But it just flew out of your mouth!

Or you swear you didn’t use a blaming tone, but your partner sure seems to think you did. I wonder, is your partner ridiculously sensitive or is there the slightest change that you may be harbouring just a little resentment that slipped out in your voice?

The only way you can keep your tone of voice kind and respectful is by keeping your level of energy high and your build-up of resentment, low.

Everyone has an internal setting with an energy reserve on one-side and a resentment bank on the other. Too often your energy is on low and your resentment is a lot higher than you’d like it to be. Your tone comes directly from this inner wellspring of energy/resentment and it’s always an accurate barometer.

Having a neutral, if not a warm tone is not always as easy. This is especially true if your partner hasn’t given you much reason to be appreciative lately.

To soften your tone, make yourself more of a priority and say no to requests from your partner that burden you or make you uncomfortable. Spend time being creative, relaxing and having fun. This will increase your energy, which naturally starts to get rid of your resentment.

Being able to speak in a kind and respectful manner reflects your lifestyle and your level of self-care. What can you do to increase your laughter, happiness and relaxation?

Chances are you are responsible for too many things in your life: work, family, friends, chores, obligations, social and entertainment planning and committees. The list never ends!

How can you relieve yourself of some of your responsibilities to lighten your load and free up some time for fun?

It’s definitely not easy, but it just may be essential for your sanity.

Kind and respectful communication (without tones) is that much easier when your needs are being met and you’re living with balance, passion and purpose.


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  1. Pingback: Follow Your Heart
Susan Blackburn

Susan Blackburn

About Susan Blackburn:

Susan Blackburn, M.A., C.Psych. is a Registered Psychologist, Psychotherapist, Counsellor & Therapist in Toronto at Yonge Eglinton, a Published Author and a guest Relationship Expert on radio and television.

Susan enjoys working with people to enhance the quality of their lives. Her collaborative psychotherapy and counselling approach offers clients effective tools and strategies to increase happiness, manage stress, find balance, improve confidence, embrace self care and focus on the positive so that they can relax and enjoy life.

Services are covered under most extended health benefits and workplace insurance plans requiring clients be seen by a Registered Psychologist through her registration with the College of Psychologists of Ontario.

Susan is the owner of Susan Blackburn Psychology a boutique therapy private practice located in midtown Toronto at Yonge and Eglinton.

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