How to Stop People Pleasing in Your Relationship

Is your highest priority to please your partner and make sure all of their needs are met?

Do your own needs and desires ever take a backseat to their needs?

If that’s either one or two yesses, you might not be aware exactly how you’re unintentionally creating a lack of intimacy and desire in your relationship.

Certainly, your partner needs to be a priority. So…


Treat them with kindness, respect, warmth, trust and appreciation. Instead of doing things for them that they may like, but place little overall value on, such as:

  • Being available on their schedule
  • Waiting around for them to arrive home from work
  • Only seeing your friends when your partner’s busy
  • Making your partner’s lunch or dinner when you are beyond exhausted
  • Not saying or doing anything that might upset them
  • And essentially, all sorts of things that mean you rarely if ever, say No to anything where your partner is concerned

Avoid doing these things unless you’re prepared to carry the heavy burden of resentment and frustration and extinguish the spark and chemistry between the two of you.

Your partner loves you for who you are and not for what you do. Focus on being warm and respectful to them and less on taking care of them.

Your partner doesn’t need you to make their life easier. What they need most is a partner who is excited to be in their company (when you genuinely have time) and who will speak to them with appreciation, trust and respect. You can’t do those things when you feel frustrated and unappreciated.

Instead, honor your heart by:

  • Scheduling time to be with them when you’re feeling relaxed and revitalized
  • Setting firm but warm limits, so that you don’t feel taken for granted
  • Prioritizing time with your friends to socialize and have fun
  • Cooking primarily out of desire rather than obligation
  • Never losing your voice – it’s a big part of what made your partner fall for you in the first place

Follow your own heart and take 100% responsibility for your happiness.

Let your partner’s love for you be the icing on the cake. Trust that your heart can balance service and generosity to your partner and others once it’s in alignment with your own values and passions.

Your partner can only sustain love for you when you listen to the small, still voice within (your intuition) and stay true to your path (your potential and purpose).


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Susan Blackburn

Susan Blackburn

About Susan Blackburn:

Susan Blackburn, M.A., C.Psych. is a Registered Psychologist, Psychotherapist, Counsellor & Therapist in Toronto at Yonge Eglinton, a Published Author and a guest Relationship Expert on radio and television.

Susan enjoys working with people to enhance the quality of their lives. Her collaborative psychotherapy and counselling approach offers clients effective tools and strategies to increase happiness, manage stress, find balance, improve confidence, embrace self care and focus on the positive so that they can relax and enjoy life.

Services are covered under most extended health benefits and workplace insurance plans requiring clients be seen by a Registered Psychologist through her registration with the College of Psychologists of Ontario.

Susan is the owner of Susan Blackburn Psychology a boutique therapy private practice located in midtown Toronto at Yonge and Eglinton.

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