Susan Blackburn Psychology

A Good Relationship Deal

Are you a good deal; too much of a good thing? Do you feel loved for what you do for your partner rather than for who you are?

If this describes you, you likely feel unloved and taken for granted in your relationship. This occurs due to some of the following circumstances:

  1. Many of the things you do are unappreciated by your partner.
  2. What you do for your partner far outweighs what you receive in return.
  3. You associate love with doing good things rather than being enjoyable and loveable as is.
  4. You are exhausted and resentful because you believe it’s better to give than to receive.
  5. Your identity is wrapped up in doing good things, so when you stop you feel bad.
  6. You outshine your partner in the ‘doing good’ department and this makes them feel insecure.

If you grew up in a family where you were neglected, mistreated or relied upon to take care of your family while you were still very young, you might be what I refer to as a good deal.

When you constantly do good things for your partner your heart is naturally somewhat closed.

Continuously doing for your partner doesn’t take into account that love is always a two-way street. In order for love to flow and for you to feel loved you must receive love as often as you give it. This is an open-hearted stance, allowing love to flow out from you and in to you in thought, word and deed.

Let’s take a look at how to address the 6 factors that often play a part in your feeling taken for granted.

  1. To gain greater appreciation from your partner, do only those things that you desire to do and genuinely have the energy to give.
  2. You don’t want to play tit for tat in your relationship, but if you are doing far more than your partner is you are likely building resentment. To right the balance, start doing more for yourself.
  3. It’s hard to feel lovable when you do so much because you will naturally associate the reason you’re loved with what you do. Trust that you are lovable, desirable and important as is. It’s you personality, interests, sense of humor and perspective that make you attractive.
  4. Love is to be shared between you and your partner. If you give so much your partner won’t even try to compete with you. Allow your partner to give to you. Look for ways to appreciate even the smallest things your partner gives to you. Perhaps your partner gives love differently than you do. Thank your partner explicitly and genuinely for everything given.
  5. If your identity is tied up in what you do you might be like the energizer bunny. You keep going and going. Allow yourself to relax, be creative and have fun. Who you are and the reason you are lovable is inside of you. Take some time to discover what your partner already sees about you that makes you so wonderful.
  6. If you’re a bit of a superhero, you might have high standards and a bit of perfectionism. Allow yourself to relax and see that you don’t have all the answers. We all need a little help.

Although your partner might like a good deal, what you and your partner didn’t bargain for was the partially closed heart that comes along with this way of being. Open your heart to receive more and start doing less and watch your relationship flourish.

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Susan Blackburn

Susan Blackburn

About Susan Blackburn:

Susan Blackburn, M.A., C.Psych. is a Registered Psychologist, Psychotherapist, Counsellor & Therapist in Toronto at Yonge Eglinton, a Published Author and a guest Relationship Expert on radio and television.

Susan enjoys working with people to enhance the quality of their lives. Her collaborative psychotherapy and counselling approach offers clients effective tools and strategies to increase happiness, manage stress, find balance, improve confidence, embrace self care and focus on the positive so that they can relax and enjoy life.

Services are covered under most extended health benefits and workplace insurance plans requiring clients be seen by a Registered Psychologist through her registration with the College of Psychologists of Ontario.

Susan is the owner of Susan Blackburn Psychology a boutique therapy private practice located in midtown Toronto at Yonge and Eglinton.

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