How to Balance Alpha and Beta in Your Relationship

Relationships used to work because one partner relied on the other for financial and physical support, while the other provided emotional and custodial support.

Times have changed significantly!

For most relationships today, both partners need to have a balance of both masculine (alpha) and feminine (beta) traits, as well as an understanding of which one is their natural state.

Each partner is equal, but different in a way that really adds to one another’s strengths instead of enabling incompetency.

Men and women always seek out a complementary mate, even when it’s not obvious this is what’s going on. By the way, the same is true is gay and lesbian relationships.

If you carry mostly masculine energy (85% of  men and 15% of women), you desire to partner with someone carrying mostly feminine energy (85% of women and 15% of men). This pairing creates the magic of chemistry we all enjoy so much!

A couple with chemistry will have inherent differences allowing you to make use of your strengths and improve your weaknesses. You will have found someone who can add the perfect touch to your life!

The best partner for you will always challenge you to be your very best. The more chemistry you have the more differences you have, but this is a great thing when you learn to communicate, behave and cooperate in ways that support a magnetic and attractive relationship.

This will be a person that can add the perfect touch to your life. It will only work if you commit to being your very best self. Note, that your complement can only ever add a touch to your life. Having a happy, passionate and purposeful life of your own is important if the romance is to last.

Typically, where you are strong, your partner will be weaker and vice versa. In the beginning this seems to work just fine, but there is tendency to rely on one another too much instead of using the opportunity to learn from each other and become more skilled instead of burdened.

For example, he has a life and you don’t so you make his life your life, which burdens him to have to maintain that life for both of you. Another one is, you’re great with money and he isn’t, so he gives you his pay cheque and you use it to pay all the bills, which burdens you with the worries of all the financial stresses and obligations. At some point this style of overcompensating for one another’s deficits starts to create a lot of resentment and frustration.

Not only will be upset with all of this frustration and resentment, but you will also start to feel as though your partner doesn’t love you. If he/she did, he/she would never let you feel this way without helping you out. You don’t understand where your partner is coming from and although it feels great to have control, you are angry that your partner needs you so much and that you have to do all the work. Meanwhile your partner is angry too!

Your partner is angry at you for being so good at what you do and making him look bad and feel incompetent. Even though you can’t tell, your partner feels worthless that you don’t need him all that much!

When you reach the point in your relationship where you want your partner to change because things are just not working, it’s time to dig deep and make changes within yourself. These changes will greatly influence your partner to make changes of his/her own.

If you are mostly feminine (beta) in your relationship it may be time for you to get in touch with some of your more masculine (alpha) traits (usually in terms of the way you communicate).

For those that carry the masculine (alpha) energy it may be time to harness some of your feminine (beta) traits (usually in terms of what you do). Chances are pretty good that you are already fairly balanced and things could simply use some tweaking.

Instead of leaning on your partner to take care of those things that you aren’t so good at, commit to building this skillset within yourself and aim to share household responsibilities equitably with your partner.

Masculine energy includes qualities such as doing, analysis, impatience, striving, rushing, assertiveness, logical, busy and controlling; while feminine energy includes being, intuition, patience, tranquil, nurturing, receptive, creative, calm and allowing. Balancing these traits still leaves plenty of room for women to be women and men to be men. You simply create a greater number of strengths within each partner and honor your primary state of being where all things love and romance are concerned.

For example, some of you may call this irresponsible, but knowing how to relax and not take life so seriously, is… believe it or not, a strength! And, being too responsible is a weakness as far as relationships are concerned.

Does any of this apply to your own relationship? If so, it’s the balance of two whole, competent individuals that really creates magic and passion that can be sustained.


5 Responses

    1. Hi LB… thank you for visiting my blog! It’s true… magnetism and attraction is getting the attention it deserves now. It really works and people are catching on!

    1. Hi Preena,

      Thank you for visiting my blog and for your complimentary words. Stay tuned for many more resources being added in the near future. Hope to see you again at some point!


Susan Blackburn

Susan Blackburn

About Susan Blackburn:

Susan Blackburn, M.A., C.Psych. is a Registered Psychologist, Psychotherapist, Counsellor & Therapist in Toronto at Yonge Eglinton, a Published Author and a guest Relationship Expert on radio and television.

Susan enjoys working with people to enhance the quality of their lives. Her collaborative psychotherapy and counselling approach offers clients effective tools and strategies to increase happiness, manage stress, find balance, improve confidence, embrace self care and focus on the positive so that they can relax and enjoy life.

Services are covered under most extended health benefits and workplace insurance plans requiring clients be seen by a Registered Psychologist through her registration with the College of Psychologists of Ontario.

Susan is the owner of Susan Blackburn Psychology a boutique therapy private practice located in midtown Toronto at Yonge and Eglinton.

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