This recipe is guaranteed to increase your confidence, spiritual growth and overall well-being.
To create a strong relationship you need to be courageous enough to have your own point of view and express it with kindness and respect. In all of your interactions, being yourself needs to be balanced with communicating the importance of your relationship. In every moment you are either bringing your relationship closer together or further apart.
Expressing yourself authentically while honoring your relationship includes speaking about what you need in a calm, rational voice. It’s your tone of voice and your intent that communicates how important your partner is to you. On the other hand, what you say should be genuine so that it reflects the honesty of the moment. You will assist your partner in hearing you when you focus on what you want instead of expressing judgment. This is an interdependent stance, the middle ground between independence which is too distant and dependence, which is too close for love to grow.
By expressing your true thoughts and feelings in an empowered way you focus on the changes you’d like. For example, instead of saying “I’m really angry at you because you’re always on my case about this,” you can say “I’m feeling pretty angry. I’d like us to get along.” Speaking this way allows your partner to listen to you instead of becoming defensive. You are simpl expressing yourself and your desire instead of making your partner wrong. This is the complete opposite of stifling your voice and walking on eggshells.
It’s likely that you have communicated important matters to your partner with kindness and respect and didn’t achieve positive results. You partner might have responded to you in anger or by withdrawing. A typical response would then be for you to eventually back down to end the fight or stop the silence. In maintaining your perspective balanced with kindness and respect, don’t allow your partner’s anger or silence (fight or flight response) to reinstate the status quo. Instead, remain calm and consistent in your message and disengage from any heated conversation. There are no victims; only volunteers. Don’t give your power away by giving in, as this doesn’t serve either one of you.
Over time, when you are consistent, anger or silence shifts into cooperation. This is because your partner’s need for connection is strong. Anger and silence (fear) is a negative form of connection. Although it may take some time, if you no longer engage it will naturally dissipate. All behavior is purposeful. By speaking in a way that communicates the importance of your relationship, your partner will eventually realize that the only available avenue for connection with you is through kindness and respect (love).
Photograph © by www.martin-liebermann.de
There may be times in your life when you feel as though you’re at a crossroads. You may even be feeling like this now.
When life gets confusing and it seems daunting to make a choice to stay put or go in a new direction, it can be helpful to ask yourself certain questions (outlined here) to gain clarity.
Writing down your answers to these questions can give you a necessary shift in perception. Frequently, it can bring about deeper reflection and make it easier to know what you need to bring the balance back into your life.
Give yourself time to get your answers. Be patient and trust the flow of life. When things are as they should be in the moment, the future is naturally taken care of as one moment leads to the next in a ripple effect.
Do you care about the feelings of others to the point that you have trouble speaking up for yourself?
If you answered yes, you’re in good company.
When you focus on whether you’re going to hurt someone else’s feelings, the person who gets hurt is YOU. The unfortunate part is that the person you’re “protecting” doesn’t gain either. Although your heart is in the right place, essentially you have told some form of untruth and now this person doesn’t really know who you are, what you like, what you don’t like and you become unsafe. The two of you, whether you are partners, colleagues, friends, family-members have started to erect an emotional barrier in between the two of you and with every protective, untruth told the wall gets bigger and bigger.
If you are the “nice” one who has trouble letting others know the truth, perhaps you see how this kind of nice is actually not very nice at all.
This style of interaction, if used often enough creates relationships where others don’t really know who you are! In the end, what’s created is a relationship with a wall in between the two of you.
When you get hurt because you choose not to stand up for yourself and speak your truth, you create a situation that actually allows you to give less and less not only to yourself, but to the other person and everyone else.
We all have an internal wellspring with an energy setting on one side and a resentment setting on the other. The ideal overall setting is overflowing with energy on one side and near empty with resentment on the other.
When you feel hurt, angry, resentful or frustrated you increase the resentment gauge and lower the energy gauge. This decreases your ability to interact with others joyfully, give generously and just generally be your best self.
So how do you remedy wanting to do right by others and stand up for your own needs at the same time?
I’ll admit that it can be a tricky balance, but the great news is… it’s definitely possible.
To right the balance, what you owe the other person, whether it be your partner, colleague, friend or anyone really, is kindness and respect. What you owe yourself is permission to be honest.
A blend of honesty mixed with kindness and respect creates positive changes for you and everyone else in your life.
For example, let’s say that your partner speaks to you in a disrespectful manner. When you don’t know how to handle this in a way that leaves you feeling empowered, it’s a BIG energy zapper! It can leave you feeling anger, hurt, frustration, shame, helpless and lonely. Over time feelings like this create a lot of inner turmoil.
Remember that you aren’t a victim. You may sometimes ‘feel’ like a victim based on your circumstances, and I get how difficult, painful and humiliating this can be, but you always have the choice to use your inner power and ability to create change.
Finding the right words to say can be challenging. If it was super easy, you’d already be doing it!
What you want to do is focus on how you’re feeling and what you want. Then, express it with kindness and respect. Remember to state the obvious.
Let’s look at how to speak up for yourself in the following three scenarios:
1. You seem to be a sounding board for complaints, worries and problems.
Relax, breathe deeply and say “I’m feeling uncomfortable with this conversation. I would really like to have a positive conversation where we might inspire one another.” (Or something similar in your own words. Avoid using the word “you” or feelings that imply blame)
2. You aren’t included in important financial decisions with your partner because your income is less.
Relax, breathe deeply and say “I’m feeling really hurt and angry. It’s important to me that we make financial decisions as a team.”
3. You are being taken for granted and spoken to disrespectfully.
Relax, breathe deeply and say “I’m feeling disconnected and lonely. I want to be spoken to with kindness and respect.”
Instead of responding as I’ve outline above, we often state what we don’t want, how we were mistreated, which is of course, all true! It is also ineffective. By avoiding the complaints and the focus on what we don’t want we zero in on the changes we require in a clear and concise manner. You’ll be surprised at how effective standing up for yourself in this manner is.
Explanations and conversations often do more harm than good when you need to speak up for yourself and remedy a situation. So again, you’ll want to focus on how you’re feeling, what you desire and expressing it in a way that can be heard.
I guarantee that a continuous commitment to these type of interactions will change your life. It will get your internal wellspring back on track, increase your confidence and create a lot more love in your life.
Don’t believe me?
You don’t have to take my word for it. Give it a try! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Spending the Big Day with Your Significant Other
If your significant other is lucky enough to have your company for Valentine’s Day, go into it without expectations. Expectations have a way of giving way to disappointment when things don’t go exactly as you planned. Instead, be in the moment and choose to focus on the positive. Plan to appreciate, trust and respect him or cherish, desire and make her your #1 priority.
Ensure you actually ‘have it to give’ with whatever you give. This means that if you don’t get a thank you, a return gift or any appreciation you won’t mind because the pleasure for you is in the giving and not the exchange. For example, if you’re preparing a fabulous meal and your beloved doesn’t show up or is late, you won’t mind because the pleasure for you is in the preparation and how wonderful it will taste when you sit down to enjoy the meal. If you discover you gave something and you ended up being disappointed the antidote is always extreme self-care. The more you give to you, the more you can give to the one you love, genuinely, expecting nothing in return.
Spending it or Hoping to Spend it With Your Significant Other and Being Tempted to Tear a Strip Off of Your Valentine
If you’re expecting someone special to get you flowers, candy, jewellery, take you to dinner or even simply wish you Happy Valentine’s Day and this doesn’t happen either at all or to your liking, handle it with kindness and respect. This is the time to choose being happy over being right. Consider saying “I’m sure you didn’t realize how important Valentine’s Day is to me (or how much I wanted such and such etc.”, ” I’d really love to celebrate it together even if it has to be another day”. Don’t spoil your day and/or an otherwise good relationship over a Valentine’s Day faux pas.
If you’ve planned a romantic night out on the town, and your Valentine comes home late, is tired and is less than enthusiastic about your plans, instead of losing your mind, consider saying something like this. “I don’t know if you realize how excited I am to spend Valentine’s Day together. Even though we’re off to a late start, I’d love to put it behind us and make the most of it”. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Why? Well, because it works! If you feel it’s important to stand your grand, in a kind and respectful way, say “I’d love to get a phone call next time so I can change my schedule if needed.” (and leave it at that).
If your beloved falls asleep before you can make love (ouch), definitely don’t let this ruin your evening. A conversation of any sort is obviously out! I know you’ll be tempted to wake your partner up and I would encourage you to reconsider. Make love to yourself instead (seriously, it’ll be more rewarding than anything you’ll get from your partner – and don’t take it personally – imagine how exhausted your partner must be to resist you!).
Spending the Big Day with You
If you’re lucky enough to be spending this day alone, decide to make it a good one! Some ideas to celebrate include going out with friends and having a blast, curl up with a good movie that’s guaranteed to make you laugh, spoil yourself in the way that only you know best, volunteer to help others out and spread love in the world, make your favorite meal complete with appetizers and mmhm… Valentine’s dessert. If you desire a significant other in your life, loving yourself wholeheartedly is the surest way to make yourself magnetic for ‘The One” that’s out there. ”The One” can’t find you until you open your heart and really start living!
On that note, here’s to you and to celebrating love. Happy Valentine’s Day!
When we’re stressed or anxious, it’s almost impossible to think clearly. Our higher-level thinking has to be ‘programmed’ in order to ‘take over’ the instinctual brain.
If your relationship isn’t as satisfying as you’d like it to be, you might need to set bigger personal limits. A personal limit is a dividing line between you and your significant other as well as others. This line indicates both physical and emotional limits that your partner and others cannot violate.
It takes clarity and a fresh perspective to solve problems and make decisions that will bring you and your partner greater happiness.Look within yourself to build a new and desirable dynamic. Being aware of your part in your relationship interactions is empowering. If you don’t see how you contribute it will be difficult to create lasting change with your partner.
For example, your partner is inattentive and overly involved with work. Look carefully at what is going on in your own life at the same time this is happening. This is not about placing blame, but about being empowered. Recognize that much like a pebble being skipped across a lake, each action you take, no matter how small, has a ripple effect on your partner. Are you involved with meaningful work of your own? Are you nurturing your relationships with family and friends? Have you made self-care a priority in terms of your emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual well-being?
It’s difficult to focus on yourself. But in doing so, you connect to your strengths and take the focus off of your partner. Use the time when your partner seems to be preoccupied elsewhere to focus on learning new and interesting things, exercise and eat food that revitalizes and invigorates you. Spend time honoring your true self by doing things you love to do and enjoying activities that align with your personal values and goals.
Instead of relying on your partner to bring you a certain measure of happiness, entertain yourself by getting together with friends and family members that make you feel secure and loved. Cultivate new hobbies and passions or revive old ones. Looking within to provide yourself with a solid foundation of love, security and joy is the most rewarding and only real way of attracting and sustaining unconditional love. Your partner can then partake in the good stuff with you… the laughter, the fun and the dreams. It is not your partner’s job to take care of you. Your partner’s job is to treat you with kindness and respect, which means to honor who you are, how you do things and what you desire.
You’ll know you’ve attained a strong inner core and a life that’s vibrant and meaningful in a number of ways. Most importantly, the shift you will have created will bring your previously distant partner closer. At first your partner will draw nearer simply to see what happened to you. Your significant other will want to know why you’re no longer needy for time and attention and why you’re so happy. Don’t be surprised if the tables turn in your favor. Instead of ‘rewarding’ your partner by dropping your new life, continue doing what you were doing when the distance decreased and don’t stop. Not now and not ever. Having a real zest for life is magnetic and will keep your partner within fairly close proximity. In the meantime you will have created an interdependent life that doesn’t require a partner and leaves only your desire for one.
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